on loan

I can't tell you how honored I am to be this little girl's mommy!

We found out Caroline was a girl on Thursday, April 1, 2010. I was always the person that said she wanted all boys so it was quite a shock to my system when I was over-the-moon excited to find out I was having a girl.

The next Monday, I got an urgent call from my doctors office saying my doctor wanted to see me right away to talk about the sonogram. I asked repeatedly if something was wrong and the nurse just kept answering that it was normal for the doctor to want to go over the sonogram results. I knew this wasn't true after having so many with the boys with no scheduled follow-up. He was gracious enough to start with, "I'm going to get right to it . . ." and started talking with me about his concerns. He explained the things he saw (or didn't see) and was very honest about the directions things could go in. He made it very clear that when I went to see the doctors in Austin, it was possible they would try to talk to me about having an abortion and I needed to be ready to respond.

When I got home, I broke down like I don't think I ever had before. Because I had a miscarriage before, I was pretty guarded about the pregnancy and didn't let myself get excited . . . until I found out we were having a girl. Then I couldn't help myself. I had started to dream about what it would be like to have a little girl with dirty blond ringlets running around the house. I was already certain that she would be a tomboy just like me.

I didn't want the boys to see me upset so I went and took a shower. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Halfway through my "breakdown" I VERY clearly heard a voice say to me, "She was never yours to keep!" and I said out loud standing there in the shower, "I know, I know." I knew that whatever was going to happen with Caroline, I was supposed to trust that God was in control and had a plan for her. She is a child of God and He would use her to HIS glory!

But . . . I'm human . . . and it was really, really hard!

I have always prayed for God's will to be done. I try to not ever pray, "God, take this disease away from someone" or "God, please make this situation easier." I know that God has a plan and can dream bigger than I can. But this time, I pleaded . . . "Jesus, I want to learn this lesson you are teaching me! I want to learn it! Please Jesus, if there is a way I can learn it without this sweet baby having to go through pain, PLEASE Jesus, let me learn this lesson another way!"

Caroline's birthday is hard for me. I look at her and I see Jesus's reflection. But, on her birthday, I also feel the pain of almost loosing her. I can still see Jesse walk in the recovery room and tell me that she had more issues than we expected. I can still feel the fear I felt when I read that she had a 25% chance to survive. I can still see her lying in a bed with a dozen machines around her keeping her alive. I still feel the panic of waking up from dreams where I knew I had lost her. The pain is still very fresh.

Caroline's chest contains many, many scars. For my eternity, those scars will be reminders that GOD chose to breathe life in to this amazing child. He chose to use her for HIS glory. HE chose to save her!

Psalm 139:13-16 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.